I Think It’s About Time I Stopped Dishwashing
RABBITS RABBITS RABBITS
I say “rabbits rabbits rabbits” on the first of the month for good luck. Some months I forget. This month I remembered.
7 CUPS OF COFFEE
At work I drank seven cups of coffee I had the jitters so bad I thought I might die I told my friends I couldn’t hang out because I might die then I walked for two hours to see my friends.
SMELLS LIKE EXPO MARKERS
Our house is infested with ants. Jack keeps squishing them and holding his finger under my nose. Smell that, he says. They smell like expo markers.
DISHWASHING MATH
It takes me 3 seconds to wash a plate I work 3 days a week 5 hours a shift which means about 6,000 plates per shift 18,000 plates per week since last June something like 720,000 plates
if I never stopped washing plates
each plate is around 0.9 inches when stacked that is 648,000 inches 54,000 feet about 10 miles almost twice the height of Mount Everest
Houston, we have liftoff.
LIFTOFF
One year of dishwashing and I’ve become so good at living in my own head. Today I thought about an exterminator.
EXTERMINATOR
A young man traveling door to door offering insect extermination finishes another house and walks back down the driveway. He looks at his clipboard. Three more houses. The sun is low and the houses have long shadows stretching across the lawns. He approaches the next house. The curtains are closed but he sees some movement inside. He rings the bell and after a moment the door opens. Two men are standing in the doorway.
Exterminator: Hello. I’m going door to door today offering insect extermination services.
Men: [In unison] Hello we’re Jack and we are a eunuch.
Exterminator: A eunuch?
Men: Yes like the town in Germany.
Exterminator: Don’t you mean Munich?
Men: ………..We’re Jack and we make mistakes.
One of the men reveals a carton of eggs he was hiding behind his back.
Next door a husband and wife are baking a cake for their son’s birthday party. The man is stirring the batter while the woman washes a bowl in the sink. There are balloons taped to the cabinets. They begin kissing. The man lifts her and places her on the counter. A wine glass falls and breaks. Some of the glass lands in the mixing bowl. They don’t notice. The batter is thick and the pieces disappear into it.
Exterminator: [Eyeing egg carton] Anyways. Would you two be interested in extermination services?
Men: [Looking into each other's eyes] Yes.
The exterminator follows the men inside into a bedroom. On the bedroom wall, ants have gathered into the shape of a small man with a brimmed hat.
Exterminator: I see. They are manifesting. Ants, what are you manifesting?
The ant man then points back to itself and the exterminator understands they are manifesting the human form.
Exterminator: Ants, why are you manifesting the human form?
The ants then organize into the shape of a car.
Exterminator: You would like to drive a car?
Ants point at their ant nose signaling the exterminator is correct.
The sound of sirens fills the air and the exterminator looks up at the window and watches an ambulance speed past to the neighbors house. A cat runs across the yard and he notices it has what looks like egg yolk in its fur.
More ants gather into the form which then lifts off the wall and begins walking towards the front door, grabbing car keys off a hook as it exits. The three men follow. Outside the ant man walks to a parked car. It unlocks the door and sits inside. The engine starts and the car clips a parked car as it pulls down the street. The cat stops in the road and begins licking the egg from its fur. The exterminator writes down something on his clipboard. A car crash is heard in the distance.
I THINK IT’S ABOUT TIME I STOPPED DISHWASHING
[scrubbing plate] [spraying cup] [drinking coffee] [loading machine]
[scrubbing plate] [spraying cup] [drinking coffee] [loading machine]
[scrubbing plate] [spraying cup] [drinking coffee] [loading machine]